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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

"Offseason Michael Vick" Interview

A handful of our readers may be familiar with Kissing_Suzy_Kolber. And some of that handful may also be familiar with their ongoing series, "The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick".

Well, in our efforts to get more information on Michael Vick's point of view on the indictment, we were fortunate enough to secure an interview with that very "Off season Michael Vick".

1- First of all, Asalaam Alaikum, Brother Vick.

Pup 'N' Taco to you, my friend.

2- With all this hullabaloo about this contrived, counterfeit and clearly manufactured indictment against you...something important has been lost in the media storm: your reaction to Gary Sheffield believing that Joe Torre treats Negro players differently. What was your first reaction when you became aware of the dilemma Shef was in during his time with the Yankees?

Man, Joe Torry treats black people differently now? That's FUCKED. I remember when he hosted Def Comedy Jam, and Kid from Kid'n'Play came on. And Kid said to Joe, "Hey Joe, smile so I can see you." I think that was the last straw for him, because I haven't heard shit from that guy since, like 1992.

3-Some are saying that Commissioner Goodell vacated 2 of the 4 games that white player Jared Allen had originally been suspended to ensure that there would be room for you on the suspension list. After seeing a player with 2 DUI convictions have his suspension reduced, does it give you hope that un-convicted Pacman Jones will be allowed to suit up at all this season?

3-Some? Fuck yeah, I'd go that. But only if it's two girl and one guy. I'm not giving some girl the rotisserie treatment.Wait, what?(takes bong hit)Wait, wait... oh ha ha ha HA! You ever feel like there's a camera flash in your eyes, but there's no camera around?Oh yes, Pacman! I would like to see Pacman playing this year, because then I can have the Gold Club to myself.

When that guy hits the joint, shit gets all fucked up. I saw him put a shoe in a bitch once.

4-We understand that dogfighting can be a lucrative second income. Now that this business endeavor seems to have fallen victim to a sagging market, what will be your next secondary business undertaking?

Wait, wait! What if, instead of dogs fighting, we had them joust?That way, it would be all noble and shit. I don't see the harm in strapping a bitch to a horse, then duct taping a long lance or spear to the bitch, and then seeing what happens. You'd get to drink from goblets.

Goblets are NICE.

Thank you for taking this valuable time away from your football film studies to communicate with us.

Wait, wait! Stick around, man! I dunno where Boddie went. I got Krush Groove and Beat Street, and fuck if I'm eating all this pad thai myself! (takes bong hit)

On second thought...

If only Michael really had had a second thought....

(Thanks to Big Daddy Drew at KSK for providing liason with offseason Mike)


Martin said...

"A handful of our readers may be familiar with Kissing_Suzy_Kolber."

Sir, they have more than a handful of readers? Interesting...

Martin said...

"What if, instead of dogs fighting, we had them joust?"

Sir, I cannot wait to see the prosecution's case collapse like the house of cards that it is.

Thank you for letting Brother Vick testify to us, his people.

Martin said...

" I haven't heard shit from that guy since, like 1992."

Sir, coach KKK scoffs at your notion.

The Sports Hernia said...

Sir, whenever I speak to someone now I always begin with Sir. I love this.

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

"Sir, whenever I speak to someone now I always begin with Sir. I love this. "

Sir, well, then...we suggest joining the Marine Corps.

You will be able to say "Sir," to your hearts content at Boot Camp.

ZEKE said...

"offseason" mike seems about 40 IQ points ahead of the real one...

ultrasound tech said...

an interview like this is why i love NOIS.

who else takes the time to go off and interview fictious characters from other blogs???

you are the hardest working blog in blogfrica!

Anonymous said...

Asalaam Clay Aiken to all of you, sirs.

Cedrick said...

You guys are frickin' geniuses (geniusii?).

Unsilent Majority said...

wow. just wow....sir

The Sports Hernia said...

Sir, actually it's only in blog comments that I now speak in this ridiculous manner.

Particularly this blog, sir.

chancelot said...

Sir, keep on rockin the blogfrica. Was that too unrighteous(white)?

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

"Sir, keep on rockin the blogfrica. Was that too unrighteous(white)? "

Sir, nope. Just enough.