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Saturday, June 21, 2008

Duke Football: Legally Ruled to be Horrible

We have taken the initiative since the founding of this blog to shine our dark light on the most evil, horror filled and despicable institution known to the Nation: Duke University.

The athletic program operates under the powerful and misanthropic spell of the most evil creature known to college sports, Coach Krushalewshevoskosky. An earthly demon fully aligned with Hell and bound by contract with the devil to haunt the Nation with the most detestable basketball program conceivable.

A program fashioned from the tear filled cadavers of pale, flaccid 'hustlers' and 'on court coaches'. Players who sign their allegiance to the devil. And, in return, receive the chance to play for an ACC title; but, sign over their NBA souls.

Coach K(kk) has long plotted to ensure that basketball will forever be the straw that stirs the Dukies' drink. Usually a sugary, effete concoction, at that.

Now, a court ruling out of the Commonwealth of Kentucky verifies, through prolonged judicial process, that Duke football is a crime.

Duke decided to opt out of a multi game contract with Louisville. And the case ended up before a judge.

"At oral argument, Duke [with a candor perhaps more attributable to good legal strategy than to institutional modesty] persuasively asserted that this is a threshold that could not be any lower," Shepherd wrote in a summary judgment issued Thursday, according to the paper. "Duke's argument on this point cannot be reasonably disputed by Louisville."

Essentially, the judge ruled in favor of Duke's assertion that Louisville could fill the schedule hole by replacing Duke with a comparable team. And went on to define a comparable team as any team, because there was none worse.

Among the many positive outcomes from the court legally ruling that Duke is the lowest of the low: Ranking the 119 Divison I football programs just got easier.

Any D-I rankings now must legally place Duke at the bottom.


Where they belong.

3 comments:

Black Jewsus said...

I prefer referring to him as Coach Krazyjewski.

wrecking_ball said...

Duke offers football?

Gregory said...

You're just mad that you couldn't get into Duke.