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Monday, March 24, 2008

Rant: Time to 'Crown' King

We certainly aren't the first blog to take umbrage with Peter King's literal concoctions. From his almost always wrong Fantasy Football advice, to near weekly column droppings about calling (insert football player) on his personal cell phone, to his (now, humanely halted) attempts to recommend music to his maddeningly late discoveries of technological advancements and portraying them as if he just stumbled upon something new....clearly, Blogfrica never has been and never will be a fan of SI's Norm Peterson look alike.

But, at this juncture, we feel compelled by the Greatest Power to issue a fatwa on the writings of King.

His unholy writing and treacherous opinions must be mercifully deposed and eradicated. As a peaceful Nation, we do find it to be conflictious of us to advocate violence against the writings of King; but nonetheless, we will be the ones burdened with our veritable hypocrisy.

At times, it is best to accept righteousness for what it is...not what it isn't. We ask our followers at this time to accept this righteous decree and to limber their arms as they pick up stones to follow us as we set forth to punish the column so heinously and infidelically aimed at our faith and our righteous intellect.

Certainly, you ask yourself, what could this creature have possible set forth in written word that could so completely compel such vehement and inarguable opposition? Surely, the rotund curly cue of a 'journalist' couldn't possibly be capable of surprising anyone with a silly comment, a completely wrong prediction or a lame attempt at humor. His mundane language, inept commentary and predicable opinions certainly don't incite the emotions of the rational and righteous. Normally.

But, King has somehow lifted his fat, flat foot and extended it past the line of just being an unimaginative bore. King has insulted Blogfrica on a level that exceeds cartoonish representations of Allah. A level that extends beyond insulting beliefs.

In the past, we've watched King somehow drape himself in a moral cloak fashioned from his muddled view of politics, culture and sports. We've simply shaken our collective heads as a Nation and chalked it up to his being out of touch with pop culture and real politics.

This time, King has somehow sewn his misguided assumptions, desires and view of 'media' into a Baby Huey sized pair of undergarments that barely hold in his ample and dimpled buttocks, as he wags his porcine finger pretending he has any intellectual authority on the subject at hand.

"Want to read an enjoyable blog, a guy who blogs the way blogs were meant to blog? David O'Brien has a great slice-of-spring-training-life in the Atlanta Journal Constitution. Very human, with snippets of how he does his job (not as easy as you think), the music that accompanies him on trips around central Florida chasing the Braves, and the fun scenes he sees -- like the Hooters with the defunct Hooters Motel behind it. "

First, we must stress that in no way should David O'brien's blog or words be inadvertently harmed in the stoning of King's column. O'brien deserve no outrage. He is simply a pawn in the infidelity perpetrated by this ghastly King.

Blog the way blogs were meant to blog? Judgment and direction on blogging apportioned to Blogfrica from..............Peter King?

This contemptuous act, clearly meant as an insult and purposely aimed at anyone who has so much as thought of taking up keyboards and joining NOIS' revolution, can not be allowed to blight the internet. The internet that NOIS has so carefully, righteously and thoughtfully set free under the auspices of our declaration of manifest Blogfrica.

King's words are akin to not simply blasphemy, but an invasion. An invasion of insipid thought, action and words into a wonderfully open and painfully righteous realm. A crusade of darkness and evilishness into a peaceful and enlightened domain.

We beseech each and every reader to take up stones. To follow us to the grotto and to aim their stone at the "Monday Morning QB" column, ejaculated each Monday morning by King. To pull back their arms and force every ounce of righteous intellect they can behind that stone as it powers through the air and impacts the very breath out of the horrid words turned on us by King.

The day the devilishly boring and dinosaurish intellect of a Peter King determines 'the way blogs were meant to blog' is the very day that righteousness on earth shall forever be extinguished by suffocating shackles of status quo and unoriginal thought.

Dear friends and believers....end the tyranny of this fat prophet of Satan by casting your stone at his column until the very last breath of stagnant thought and empty insight is forever crushed under the righteous unity of Blogfrica.


We put our faith in the power above to protect us from this scourge of intellect.

14 comments:

superduper said...

NOISE - I see you've forgotten to take your medication again.

Or did you take too much and these incoherent, paranoid, & violent ramblings are just the side effects?

one fish two fish red fish blue fish said...

Peter King is a good writer. I don't always agree with what he writes but that is what good journalism entails; taking a controversial P.O.V. and sticking to it.

Other thoughts for the day.....

1. Does anyone else think the Memphis Tigers are overrated or am I just cracked out?

2. Alicia Keys is ridiculously fine! Just caught the Common vid "I want you"....babygirl has ass for days!

3. Hopefully the N.O.I.S. will think I'm righteous enough. I'm consuming a Milky Way Midnight Dark (best candy bar out there). I saw an opportunity for a Hershey white chocolate bar but I was feeling very.....righteous.

Nick said...

I honestly think you've gone a little crazy with this post.

Malcom Hex said...

" taking a controversial P.O.V. and sticking to it."

peter king, controversial???

are you serious?????

Jeff Reed's blowdryer said...

i agree. how dare peter king dictate what constitutes a good blog.

and i agree with malcolm, too.

King is so far from controversial that it is ridiculous

RighteousReasoner said...

Praise Allah the White Devils (devils are white, so let us call them what they are) of Duke have been defeated by the mighty University of West Virginia. Pity there are too many palefaces on the Mountaineer squad otherwise this would truly be a day for rejoicing.

RighteousReasoner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sebastian said...

I'm going way off topic.

NOIS, you need to post more. Seriously, if you need a paypal link, I'll donate.

Dave the Wave said...

"NOIS, you need to post more. Seriously, if you need a paypal link, I'll donate."

jesus christ.

why don't you just wipe your ass with the money and flush it?

either way, it is just going down the crapper.

Sebastian said...

I support a lot of causes. Some windmill-tilters, others more mainstream. Internet radio, Heifer International (not a club for fat women, rather a not for profit that helps feed poor people), public radio & tv, etc.

If you said something interesting Dave, I might just support you....

RighteousReasoner said...

The University of South Carolina has once again showed its disdain for young, athletic Negro males by suspending Righteous QB Stephen Garcia for...

Oh wait, he's a whiteboy? We almost pulled a Phil McKinnely-esque error again.

Yes, yes this suspension was very well deserved. It's about time the Gamecocks took action against this honkey.

Dex said...

If there is true justice in this world, Peter King will one day burn his hands on his overpriced slave coffee and be rendered unable to type.

He is everything I despise about affluent, white America.

Mack Power said...

"QB Stephen Garcia for...

Oh wait, he's a whiteboy? We almost pulled a Phil McKinnely-esque error again. "

try latino....

RighteousReasoner said...

Sir, how dare you stereotype a man because of his last name?

Why do you people always have to bring race into everything? We are the peaceful Nation of Islam who want nothing more than to see all of the races of the world united as one.

Oh wait, no we don't. BLACK POWER!